Good morning! I am going to try and sound perky even though I didn't sleep well... It will just mean that God has a greater opportunity to perfect His strength in my weakness today.
My teeth start to clench tightly as I think about getting started today... I think that what brings on an added pressure are the unknowns that I will be facing throughout today and tomorrow. I am going home to stay the night because my cousin is graduating. I am going to support my cousin. However, there will be a lot of my family there, and I fear awkward confrontations and a slew of other things...
I talked about it with my counselor this week, and she helped me to come up with some possible game plans - as to how to respond in certain situations and how to still try to take care of me and keep pressing on in RECOVERY!
I am also hesitant and nervous about staying at home with my parents. They are great and overall, they're supportive, but it is more of the "hovering" kind of supportive... or at least that is how it has been in the past... My mom has already turned to the role of trying to "take care of me" which drives me nuts... However, I know that she is only doing that because she knows that this weekend will be difficult and uncomfortable in many ways...
The other thing is that I am needing to make a slight alteration to my intake plan... I feel more comfortable trying to face the alteration for the first few days with plenty of space to work through it all emotionally... Especially since the past couple of weeks have been so rough, and the past several days, I have been an emotional wreck! I am considering just keeping my intake "as is" for tomorrow without the alteration, so maybe I can handle it better.... I will see...
Well, now that I have carried myself way too far in the worries and cares of tomorrow and the rest of today, it is vital for me to reel myself back in, so I can actually get started with today. "Nice going," I say to myself...
Okay, back to the here and now... I just need to breathe... to pray and breathe... As I try to refocus and et myself ready to face round one of intake today, I am trying to shout TRUTH in my mind as to why it is okay to give my body and brain nutrients - why my LIFE is worth fighting for today - right now - in this very moment... "God, bring forth Your peace in this moment as I wait on You! Build up a STRENGTH within me to get started today. To choose LIFE right now - in this moment. Help me to stand up to ED today and to keep fighting. You are the only reason I can even consider pressing on right now! You, O God, O Holy Spirit, come alive in me in this moment!"
Though many lies are coming against me, though ED is reprimanding me, though he is fighting in every way from all sides to steal my "choice," I will press on in this moment. I will stand up to him because HE WHO LIVES IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE POWER AND VOICE OF ED! I will turn to some piece of truth as I try to build myself up to press on in the journey of today!
As I turn my eyes to my devotional for today, I see an answer come forth to the prayer I prayed a few moments ago...
"I want to be central in your entire being. When your focus is firmly on Me, My peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert. Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold. There is no fear in My Love-Light, while I bless you with radiant peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me."
Though what I see is an answer to my prayer, I have such a hard time receiving and accepting that He really pours out His love on me continually and wants to bless me with His peace (even though I know it is true!). I will choose to accept what He speaks to my heart as TRUTH; whether I believe them for me right now or not, I can choose and accept the voice of TRUTH over the voice of LIES. That is the only way I will be able to face today and start my first round of intake.
I will choose to receive the peace that is spoken of in 2 Thessalonians 3:16. "Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace (the peace of His kingdom) at all times and in all ways [under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes]. THe Lord [be] with you all." What I recognize as being so powerful about the peace that God offers to us is that it has NO limitations! It can branch into any circumstance - any condition - whatever comes! Wow! That inspires a certain level of HOPE! I am also reminded that the Lord is with me! He is with me as I face this journey!
The greatness and magnitude of the power of God's love is represented in 1 John 4:18. "There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the though of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]." Wow! Now that is some powerful love! That is what I need - His love - His perfect love that turns fear out the door and expels every trace of terror. I will choose to invite Him to pour out this love on me (whether I believe I deserve it or not!). I will let Him continue maturing and growing me in His perfect love so that fear has no grip on me.
Once again today, I will choose to say...
Because I am God's daughter, I have HOPE! Because He is with me, I have HOPE! Because I don't walk alone but walk with Him at my side, I have HOPE! Because He chose to give me breath today, I have a reason to FIGHT and to press on! I can only do so in HIS STRENGTH! I can't do it alone! So, I will choose not to give up! I will choose to keep pressing on! Even though ED tries from every side and at all cost to keep me from choosing LIFE, I will choose LIFE in this moment! I will take today moment by moment, and I will believe that the strength I need to move forward will be made available to me in God's perfect timing! "Though my heart and my flesh may fail, God is my STRENGTH and my portion FOREVER!" I will choose LIFE!
I will press on today in His STRENGTH ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
(Written later)
So... the day has gone pretty well considering how busy I have been and some of the stress of being around a lot of my family... Before I left my apartment to get on the road, even though I got started way late, I wound up making the slight alteration that my nutritionist was encouraging me to make yesterday in my meeting with her... I had to incorporate the alteration in a way that was doable for me, and it took a long time to get the first round down, but I did! I haven't walked perfectly in sync with my intake schedule, and I've moved in zombie mode several times throughout today... However, I don't think I am going to be able to finish all five rounds of intake today...
I was feeling "gung ho" about tackling some more of my supplement for today before I go to bed, but now that I've gotten it ready and it is sitting with me, I feel so FAT and DISGUSTING and don't feel worth taking it in... It is only half a bottle, but I just don't know if I am going to be able to press through right now or not...
Originally I was going to try and get it down in hopes that it may help me sleep a little tonight, but after I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, everything changed...
Deep down I want to fight through this and press on a little longer today. I will try to speak the TRUTH about why it is okay for me to give myself nutrients, and I will not give up just yet...
On a slightly different note, I did something earlier today that I know kicked some ED butt! I called my mom and asked her to put her scale somewhere that I wouldn't see it or know where it was (since I am spending the night at my parents' house). I haven't seen my weight or weighed myself in about two and a half weeks, and I knew that I would weigh myself if I saw the scale... I will choose to see that as a positive step for today!
After my cousin's graduation tonight, the family (about 30 of us) decided to go out for ice cream. I cringed inside, knowing that I wouldn't and didn't want to eat any, because I felt like my family would make comments to me... But, I went out with them anyway, so I could try to spend some time with them. It wasn't too bad... and I was relieved that there were no direct comments made to me about not having any ice cream... That was a first! Now, I will see how tomorrow goes when I am around all of them again...
Oh... Now back to the supplement that's staring me down... I really know that my body needs it... I will try to press on... even though I feel so HUGE - DISGUSTINGLY HUGE!
I will remind myself that it is not in my own strength or alone that I can press on, but that I can press on in HIS STRENGTH with HIM right at my side... and I am not referring to ED... I'm referring to my Abba!
I will say: PROGRESS... NOT PERFECTION! ONE SIP AT A TIME!
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