I didn't meet the goal of making it through three rounds of intake yesterday because a few surprises popped up as the day went on which hindered me from pressing on in regards to my intake... However, I am believing that today is a new day with new mercies and renewed strength to persevere... Honestly, I don't feel like fighting and have countless thoughts raging in my mind, but I will claim this promise: "My peace I will give you!" (John 14:27) I will try to rest in the arms of my Abba today, and I will try to take the practical steps required in order to choose life...
(Written later)
So... I just finished my counseling session for today... I knew it would turn out to be a positive experience once I got there... I feel very blessed that God has placed the counselor in my life that He has...
I was a little unsure of where to start when I walked into her office today. However, her first question helped me to narrow down the myriad thoughts that were passing through my mind... She asked me, “So, is Kim taking care of herself, struggling to take care of herself, or refusing to take care of herself?” Not a bad question... At least for today... I answered her honestly, saying that I was struggling to take care of myself... That led me to share about my day yesterday and how my friend/mentor came...
As we began the session and I started to share, I told her that one of the big struggles I have been having is to reach out because I feel like a burden and a bother... That sparked another question in her mind... Something was starting to be uncovered...
Okay, so a little background info about me... I learned from a very early age how to take care of other people... As a young child, I was seen as a leader and as strong... I also felt the need to be strong for others... As different things took place throughout my childhood and the beginning of my teenage years such as the divorce of my parents, my father’s suicide, the death of my grandmother, as well as many others, I took on several roles unconsciously that led me to take care of many people over the years... As a child and young adolescent, I was sought out for counsel by peers as well as older family members... I adapted to taking care of others... I always made myself available to help fit their needs... There were two specific people in my family that I really took care of in various ways... My mom and one of my aunts...
As I shared with my counselor some of the ways that I used to take care of my mom, some deep things started to surface, and the absurdity of the lengths to which I was taken advantage of was revealed... I am not going to share the details right now, but needless to say, what has been the pattern of my life is being everything to everybody and nothing to myself...
As we delved into this even deeper, I started to talk about the struggle to release ED completely because of the familiar comforts that have been present (especially the feeling of emptiness, having nothing in me)... As several things started to surface, my counselor started to connect the dots... She pointed out that due to the tremendous lengths to which I was stretched when taking care of others, due to the constant pattern of being drained, I became fearful of needing anybody because when others reached out to me for help and leaned on me for what they needed, it was always taken to the extreme... As she mentioned this, I realized that I have a fear of growing codependent on people and being needy because of the constant draining I felt from those who latched onto me over the years... I also verbalized how I hate to need help... I hate to need support... Because I feel like I will burden others...
As we continued to process several facets of what was surfacing, my counselor pointed out that what I have adopted is that I DON’T NEED! She also mentioned that I was always giving to others and never giving to myself... filling others up but never filling myself up... When I am in the throes of anorexia (which is where I have been in this relapse... what I am fighting to escape this time around), it manifests in the fact that I don’t need food... When I am in the throes of bulimia, it manifests by appearing to need but being able to have it all worked out and really not needing anything at all... Whoa! There is still a lot to be uncovered and dealt with in regards to what began to surface today... There are many ropes that have been intertwined over the years that have tied me up and kept me tangled up...
We then started to talk about the difference between being needy and being created to need... As a human, I have been created to need but not to be needy - to latch onto others and suck them dry... However, because I have not seen the balance of healthy need and healthy support, I don’t want to need and it scares me to need because the view I have is so extreme, so all-encompassing, because the people in my life needed so much... There was also a tie to the all or nothing thought patterns in relation to need... It is either a smothering need or none at all... I opt for the “none at all” side! She told me that it was normal and healthy and appropriate to have support and to reach out to them... No, I am not meant to lean on others as life-preservers, but that there is a balance... Needless to say, there is still a lot for me to process relating to this one!
As I left counseling and was driving in my car, I was reflecting on my session... I was thinking more about need as it relates to ED. I was trying to think about how “I don’t need food”... As I thought about this, I was led to ponder exercise... I started to think about how I feel like I have to deserve the right to give myself something... How I have to earn the right to put anything in me... As I pondered these things, I started trying to find the connection between earning the right to have need and to have needs met... I don’t feel like I deserve to have needs met... Or is it that I always disregarded my needs, so therefore I don’t recognize them? That I always denied my own needs because I was focused on meeting the needs of others and taking care of them, giving to them, filling them up? Is it that I learned to mask my need even hiding it from myself?
A thought comes to me... A picture starts to come together in my mind... It takes me back to being a little girl, about three years old... I see myself in my room, sitting on my floor, playing with Barbies... I was in my own imaginary world creating dialogue between my dolls while in the background behind my closed door, I heard my parents screaming and arguing and fighting with each other... As this picture comes to my mind, I ponder and wonder if I started to deny my needs from that very young age because there wasn’t time for them to be met anyway... Then I also think about my dad... I think about some of the abuse I suffered from him... I think about being created with the need for love, but receiving love in a way that was never appropriate from him... I think that maybe I learned early on that it was dangerous to admit my need - because I was pushed away or hushed if I interrupted him... Maybe I learned that it was dangerous to admit my need for love because it was thwarted... and eventually feared...
Somehow I came to believe that I don’t need, that there is not sufficient time for my needs to be met, that I only deserve to be pushed to the side, that I don’t deserve time or energy from anyone else... That I don’t have needs...
Some of that probably doesn’t even begin to fit together, but those are the various pieces that are coming together and are surfacing in my mind... It is a process to untangle what has been tangled up in both the conscious and subconscious realm of memory and experience... That process too must be taken day by day - step by step - moment by moment...
Wait a second... Something just came to me... Because I have learned how to meet everyone else’s need - to be everything to everybody - and because I have learned to deny my own needs - to be nothing to myself - when I am not giving to others, helping others, or meeting their needs, I have no purpose... I need nothing because all of my needs have been suppressed... Nothing doesn’t need anything... Nothingness has no value... What isn’t recognized or paid attention to is nonexistent... What isn’t recognized or paid attention to is deemed worthless and unimportant... What isn’t recognized or paid attention to is overlooked... I latch onto the words overlooked, worthless and unimportant... That is how I have felt for much of my life... Is it because my needs have never really surfaced?
I need a little break after all of that processing... Now I am exhausted... It probably doesn’t help that I only slept for a few hours last night...
I have another counseling session on Friday... I will continue to let myself process more things as the day continues and as the week progresses...
Because I didn’t meet the goal of getting in three rounds of intake yesterday, that goal has translated over as today’s goal... I didn’t quite meet the goal to start my first round of intake before noon today either... I started facing it at about 12:30 PM... I am still fighting the restrictions and regulations laid out by ED, but I will keep pressing on and trying to stand up to his voice by using my own! I remind myself:
ONE DAY AT A TIME ~ ONE STEP AT A TIME ~
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME ~ ONE SIP AT A TIME!
PROGRESS... NOT PERFECTION!
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