Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Trying to keep my head up as I press on!

Sure enough, a new day dawns... Waking up after a very restless night of sleep, I struggled to get out of bed. My eyes fixated on my thighs as I managed to pry myself from the coziness of my bed. I was disgusted. As I walked by my mirror, the plethora of negative thoughts that passed through my mind made the start to my day even more trying. I really didn't want to face any intake after that...

I then got a text from my friend/mentor reminding me that I should start thinking about my first round of intake and maybe even start it earlier than the goal set... AAAHHHHHHHH! I responded to her and told her that I was going to need a little motivation. What I meant when I said that was that I was planning on motivating myself by reflecting on some TRUTH, so I could get started with this day... It was then that my phone rang... I did NOT want to answer it, but I did! She called with some motivating truth and a devotional to share with me, but I almost didn't hear all of the positive things she had to say once I heard her say about five times that she was concerned for me... That made me want to scream! It made me feel like I was a burden and a bother to her - like I was inconveniencing her and weighing her down...

The last think I want to do is concern and worry people and weigh them down... What i realize when I say that is that I am not concerned for me right now... I know that i will be okay... I am getting in more than I was - way more... If my body didn't shut down after complete starvation for quite a long time, then surely I'll be fine now...

Just when I say all of that, there is a glimpse of light that breaks in to remind me that ED is talking, being heard, being listened to and being yielded to at this moment. That I am minimizing the severity of what is really going on...

I know that is probably true, but I always say that I'm fine - or that I'll be fine... That I still believe that "said" thing won't happen to me or won't affect me... That I have it all worked out... It's all okay... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, I know I have to break out of all of this... I need to get focused on some TRUTH and get motivated to face this day... I need or rather have to face my intake whether I want to or not (at least that is how I feel)... I hate feeling like it's forced and expected, but that is the only way to keep concern at bay... I really just want to run away from it all in this moment... I don't want to refuse to fight and drag anyone along, but I am struggling so much to keep standing up to and facing ED...

In this moment, I want to put on my running shoes and go for a run to get some release... However, that I'm not allowed to do, so I will choose to refocus myself and run in the direction of my Abba - into His everlasting arms...

"God, You see where I am right now... You see my true condition. Help me to see more clearly. Help me to see the importance of choosing the practical steps required to press on in this fight for my life. Though I don't want to fight and press on today, I am going to choose to - believing that You are going to meet me and walk with me at every step and turning point of today's journey and path. I want to come before You and let You speak TRUTH to me. Open my hear, my ears, my eyes... Remove all that would hinder!"

Perfect devotional as a first response to my prayer...

"When you approach Me in stillness and in trust, you are strengthened. You need a buffer zone of silence around you in order to focus on things that are unseen. Since I am invisible, you must not let your senses dominate your thinking. The curse of this age is overstimulation of the senses, which blocks out awareness of the unseen world. The tangible world still reflects My Glory, to those who have eyes that see and ears that hear. Spending time alone with Me is the best way to develop seeing eyes and hearing ears. The goal is to be aware of unseen things even as you live out your life in this visible world."

The prayer that I started to pray after I read my devotional turned into a song:

Lord, I want Your eyes for the unseen,
The clarity to see what lies beneath the surface
Of what is seen and felt and touched

For Thee do I seek
For Thee do I long
Reveal to Me your hidden truths
An anthem of praise shall be my song

Hallelujah - Hallelujah, Amen
Hallelujah - Hallelujah, Amen
Hallelujah, Amen

My anthem shall be... "I will wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His Word do I hope!" (Psalm 130:5)

A Psalm of praise with a message of hope will I claim...

1-3 "Thank you! Everything in me says "Thank you!"
Angels listen as I sing my thanks.
I kneel in worship facing your holy temple
and say it again: "Thank you!"
Thank you for your love,
thank you for your faithfulness;
Most holy is your name,
most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in;
you made my life large with strength.

4-6 When they hear what you have to say, God,
all earth's kings will say "Thank you."
They'll sing of what you've done:
"How great the glory of God!"
And here's why: God, high above, sees far below;
no matter the distance, he knows everything about us.

7-8 When I walk into the thick of trouble,
keep me alive in the angry turmoil.
With one hand
strike my foes,
With your other hand
save me.
Finish what you started in me, God.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now."

Wow! To Him will I run - to Him will I cling -
to Him will I escape - In Him lies my STRENGTH!

Trying to keep my head up as I press on in this journey -


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