WARNING: THE CONTENT IN THIS POST MAY BE
TRIGGERING!
PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
There is so much going on in me right now... Holy cow! ED is fighting so hard for my life. I know that's what it comes down to... But, even saying that sounds hypocritical because I am fighting the voice that says that it's okay for me to hold on a bit longer before really having to relinquish all of the control... Battling the voice that says that it's really not hurting anything that I can't finish my intake, that I am really too fat to put all of that in me anyway... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I just want a respite from it all! I just want a break from this fight... I just want a rest from the torment in my mind...
"God, I know I need You! I know You are here - with me - that You haven't left me... But... I am struggling to run into Your arms of love and of mercy right now... Please build a desire on the inside of me to press on and to continue on in this journey! I need to be immersed in Your light right now because the darkness is all encompassing or at least that's how it seems..."
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So... shortly after I woke up, my friend (and mentor) sent me a message to let me know that today may be the only day she could come over... I had two thoughts: "Oh HELL! (Pardon my French) I am not doing well; I've got a bad report for her!" and "God's got my back; I didn't even have to reach out to her; He already had it covered..."
Well, needless to say, she came for a visit... Because she was coming, I at least prepared my first round of intake... (So she could see I was at least willing to do that part...)
The truth is that I know it was good for her to come today... I believe God quickened her spirit, and she knew she needed to reach out... As I waited for her to come, I tried to start writing some, but struggled to get much of anything out of me... Also, I struggled to want her support or encouragement... There is a part of me that wants ED to still hang around... Though I know truly that is not what I want in the depth of me...
As I waited for her to come, I thought to myself, "Why does she care so much? What does she see when she looks at me?"
When she got to my apartment, we started talking, and I could tell that she was deeply moved with emotion as she saw the intensity of the struggle... She began to cry as she told me that what hurt was really seeing that I don't truly view myself as valuable - that though I am trying to declare it and cling to the truth, I haven't really been able to walk it out by choosing LIFE consistently... I told her that I also struggled to reach out to her because I was believing that I was a bother and a burden... She told me that I never need to believe that because I am not a bother or a burden to her... Hard to believe because I think that I am exhausting! I want a respite from me!
We talked about several things while she was over... I shared with her how ED's voice has increased with tenacity... How "I'm not allowed to start facing any rounds until after noon..." How "I'm not allowed to face more than three rounds of intake in a day..." How "I'm too fat to even consider putting anything more in my body..." As I shared these things with her, she got a better understanding of how intense this all is right now! We talked about breaking the lie about not being allowed to start facing any intake until after noon... We talked about making the choice to break that lie today... With much resistance, I walked to my fridge to at least get my cup with my supplement in it... When I was walking to the fridge, she said that my jeans were falling off of me and that she thought I was still losing weight... Just when she said that, I reached for my cup of intake, and the lid was not well attached... it spilled, and I lost about half of it... First I was irritated that it spilled and by the mess that I made, but then I was relieved that I would only have to face half of the first round...
Regarding my jeans, I hadn't put these jeans on in almost a month... I was hoping that they would still be a little loose when I reached for them this morning (Definitely having one of those "I want to hide and don't want anything to touch my body" days). Well, I expected them to be kinda tight at first because they were newly washed... To my surprise, I put them on, and they just hung on me... I was glad they didn't touch me really... However, I could also see that they were way looser than they were the last time I put them on... I can easily slide them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them...
Okay, so I brought the remaining part of my supplement into the room where my mentor and I were talking... I declared TRUTH, and though everything within me fought me like HELL, I got in a few sips...
I was told some hard truth today, but I know I needed to hear it... ED raised his ugly head in rebuttal several times... Especially when my mentor brought up the topic of increasing accountability and setting a goal or two for the next several days... I was resistant and couldn't seem to find my voice or even formulate a rational goal... So... She named a goal: For three out of these next five days (today included), to start the first round of intake before noon (and today's start could count toward the three!)... I obliged to the goal... Then another goal was added: For today having the goal of getting in three rounds of intake and over the next four days, trying to increase the goal to four rounds... I obliged with a slight nod of my head while everything raged within me... She asked what I would need in terms of accountability right now... Some answers passed through my mind, but I feared saying them out loud because I know she cares too much not to follow through... With much reserve and hesitation, I told her that she would probably need to text me each morning to prompt the decision to face the first round of intake... She said she would... She also asked me to text her later today when I made it around to facing the second round of intake for today, as well as the third... I told her that I would, but I couldn't even wrap my mind around making it that far into the day when she asked... I had only gotten down three sips of the first round at that point!
We prayed, and as she got ready to leave, she hugged me... I could tell that tears began to well up in her eyes as she saw evidence of the intensity of the struggle... She could tell by my composure - by my countenance... I was stiff and very short on words...
As she left, I knew what awaited me... the remaining (unspilled portion) of my first round of intake... As soon as she left and I closed the door, I crumbled to the floor in tears... I crumbled into a ball on the floor and let out the tears that I was holding in during our visit... I cried in desperation for release and relief... As I sat there on the floor with tears streaming down my face and rolling down my cheeks, the temptation to cut rose up within me (I haven't cut in over a year now!), along with a cunning voice, "It will help you to have some release from all of the pressure you feel right now... One small cut won't hurt..." I cried more as I fought the temptation to respond to what seemed to be a quick option for release and respite in the moment... I sat and didn't move until the temptation to cut passed... I knew that if I were to move, I would have taken the chance for a quick release... But I didn't... I resisted... I knew that really just one little cut would matter - that it would lead to more... PRAISE GOD for the strength to resist that one!
As I started to dry up, I stood up and straightened myself up and pulled myself together... I cleaned the fridge (huge mess from where my cup spilled!) and then went to my room and curled up on my bed and started releasing through writing... I also continued trying to fight through and press on through the first round of intake (or should I say the first half of a round?)...
If the goal for today is to make it through three rounds, then that means that I need to go to the store to get a couple of things that I will need to make my third round of intake... OH!!!!! How everything fights within me as I ponder that...
I know I have to keep fighting... that I can't give up, but the strain to continue is so intense... I will try to breathe, to breathe in God's peace that I may calm down in this moment and cling to some truth that I may have the courage and boldness to press on today... "O, God, stir up You STRENGTH within me."
In my desperate cry, I was led to this Psalm... Psalm 61 (MSG)...
"God, listen to my shout, bend an ear to my prayer. When I'm far from anywhere, down to my last gasp, I call out, 'Guide me up Hight Mountain!' You've always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all, a lifetime pass to Your safe-house, an open invitation as Your guest. You've always taken me seriously, God, made me welcome among those who know and love You... Post steady LOVE and good FAITH as lookouts, and I'll be the poet who sings Your glory - and live what I sing every day."
Wow! What a desperate plea and heartfelt cry... I pray it - I scream it! "God, You are my safe-house; I run to You! Hold me! Sustain me!"
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