This morning it seems like a miracle that I was able to get out of bed... that I chose to show up today... Honestly, if I didn't have counseling this morning, I probably would have stayed in bed! However, because I had an appointment, I dragged myself out of bed, threw myself together and somehow managed to make it right on time! (Thank goodness I hit almost all green light on the way!)
So... I can't even think about intake right now... I - uh - no... I can't even go there right now... I'm sipping on some coffee as I wait to go into my session... I will face whatever else may come once I get through counseling today...
(Written later)
Wow! Today is a STRUGGLE! Counseling was good, and I was able to get some stuff out that I needed to, but I am still fighting so hard and haven't been able to start my intake for the day...
It is almost two o'clock, and I know something has to give... I know I need to press on and fight for my LIFE right now... I am trying to cling to TRUTH, but I am feeling so paralyzed to take the step required to nourish my body and brain right now. Part of me just wishes I could make it all go away, but then a part of me is scared to death to let it all go... I will choose to say - in this moment - RECOVERY! I'M WORTH IT! I'M WORTH RECOVERY! Oh, to believe it... to grasp ahold of the TRUTH and not look back...
I will choose to go back to my devotional for today and seek the face of my Abba... That's all I know to do in this moment. What I find in my devotional is what I need to see and grasp ahold of in this moment...
"I want you to be all Mine, filled with the Light of My Presence. I gave everything for you by living as a man, then dying for your sins and living again. Hold back nothing from Me. Bring your most secret thoughts into the Light of My Love. Anything you bring to Me I transform and cleanse from darkness. I know everything about you, far more than you know of yourself. But I restrain My yearning to "fix" you, waiting instead for you to come to Me for help. Imagine the divine restraint this requires, for I have all power in heaven and on earth. Seek My face with a teachable spirit. Come into My Presence with thanksgiving, desiring to be transformed."
Wow! I respect the fact that God doesn't force His way into our lives, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier if He did. However, it would not be better in the longterm because we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't grow, we wouldn't trust. I am in desperate need of letting Him cleanse me from the darkness that has been covering me like a blanket and hanging over me like a cloud today. My prayer is...
"God, I come before You - I thank You for loving me, for sending Your Son to die for me. I am trying to remember that You have made me and formed me as valuable and worthy. I come before You - so in need of You - I need to yield myself into Your hands - once again - O, my dear Abba. I will choose to give you my fear and watch You transform it to peace. I will trade in my heavy burden for Your yoke with is more bearable. I will trade in hate for love - rejection for acceptance - doubt and unbelief for faith - hopelessness for hope - sadness for joy - death for life - weariness for strength and endurance - tears for laughter - deception for truth! I come to You and make an exchange in Your presence. Come, O God, and whisk me up into Your everlasting arms where I am safe! I am so in need of You - of Your love - of Your touch! Breathe Your hope into me as I choose to press on in this battle and walk in this journey to recovery. I will trust that as I hand over and admit my weakness, You will fill me with Your perfect strength. I will choose to look to You in this moment!"
I will trust that my Lord, to whom I cling was speaking truth when He said, "All authority (all power of rule) in heaven and on earth has been given to Me." (Mt. 28:18) I will choose to say that HE WHO LIVES IN ME IS GREATER THAN THE VOICE AND POWER OF ED!
I will cry out as the Psalmist David did: (Psalm 3, MSG)
"God! Look! Enemies past counting!
Enemies sprouting like mushrooms,
mobs of them all around me, roaring their mockery:
'Hah! No help for him from God!'
But you, God shield me on all sides;
You ground my feet, You lift my head high;
With all my might I shout up to God,
His answers thunder from the Holy Mountain.
I stretch myself up. I sleep.
Then I'm up again - rested, tall, and steady,
FEARLESS before the enemy mobs
coming at me from all sides.
Up, God! My God, help me!
Slap their faces, first this cheek , then the other,
Your fist hard in their teeth.
Real help comes from God.
Your blessing clothes Your people!"
I will continue crying out to and turning to my Abba! I will believe that He is a shield about me and fighting on my behalf. Though it is terribly late, I will choose to take a step in the direction of choosing LIFE... I will press on in the face of defeat! I will not RELENT! Though everything in me wants to quit, I won't! I won't give up! I will take a step with my Abba holding my hand, and I will not be overwhelmed because I will claim His peace and trust that He will be with me!
I will choose LIFE in this moment! I will face this day head on (even though it is halfway over)! I will choose RECOVERY!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
ONE SIP AT A TIME!
(Written later)
I faced round one of intake. It took me about two hours to get it down, but I pressed on to at least get something in my body today! I am not sure what else I will be able to face as the evening progresses, but I will at least try to take in one more round of intake for today! I will take this evening in stride and will try to stay positive and declare the TRUTH at the top of my lungs!
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