Tuesday, June 21, 2011

An update for today... Trying to choose joy in the midst of some harsh realities...

So... More hard truth and confrontation awaited me today as I entered my counselor's office... If you have been following my blog, you know that for the past month or so, I have really been struggling to get my intake in... I have been processing some deep rooted things in counseling lately, but I have still been struggling so hard with the practical side of intake - getting my supplements in...

Well, part of my unpleasant confrontation came on Friday when I saw my nutritionist, when she told me I had NO wiggle room... But today came the sequel...

I entered my counselor's office, and I was completely honest with her about how I am doing and how I have been doing... I didn't hold back any of the struggles I've been having... I really didn't want to tell her about two very bad nights I had over the weekend, but I knew I needed to... I want RECOVERY and FREEDOM too bad to be deceptive or manipulative or lie anymore!

Well, I know I needed to share with her all that I did, but I really didn't want to have to hear what she needed to say to me... She mentioned going IP... As she started talking about it, she tried to assure me that going IP would not be punishment nor would it mean that I have failed... She was concerned when she saw me today... She is worried that because I have been struggling so much to get even the slightest bit of intake in, my brain is not being fed and is thus not functioning well... She said that going IP would be something that could carry me over this hump and propel me forward in RECOVERY...

My team has given me many chances over the past six to eight weeks to try and make some strides myself with their assistance, but the battle and fight for my life has been so intense, and despite the desire to press on and choose recovery, I have not managed to do very well with the practical side of refeeding...

So... My counselor told me that I have this week to try and manage my intake - to try and get it in... (I know that even the level of intake I have prescribed by my nutritionist right now is the bare minimum that I need to function and feed my brain... That terrifies me because it already feels like way too much to take in... and I am no where near where I need to be to stop weight loss... But I really don't want to stop losing weight either...) If I can't manage my intake supplements, then I will be going IP as soon as next week... My counselor told me that she would rather let me keep trying to manage the refeeding process outside of the hospital and learn how to manage the physical symptoms by body fights with and overcome the obstacles, but if I can't get in even the minimum level of intake, she is too worried that I will lose my life and that I will hit to many points of no return... and that I will have to go IP to get the nutrients forced into me that my brain needs to equip me to keep fighting for RECOVERY...

I really don't want to have to go IP... I really don't! I am trying to keep my head up, and I have been trying to press through and fight today!

I got in my first round of intake during my counseling session this morning... She wasn't going to let me leave until I got it down... I have managed to push through the subsequent rounds throughout the rest of the day so far too, and I am determined to finish all of my supplements today, but I am feeling so full, so disgusting, so bloated, so fat... My tummy has been hurting off and on all day, and my GI system has been putting up a fight... But I am trying to press on so maybe I can earn the right to keep fight outside of the hospital!

I know that God has still been doing some supernatural sustaining of my body... I haven't had any solids since February... And through the months of March and April, I didn't have anything really going into me... During the month of April, I only managed to get in one bottle of Boost... Starvation should have already gotten the best of me, but somehow, I have kept on making it through...

I will keep pressing on to try and make it through today!


I am trying to keep my head up and choose joy and a positive outlook and attitude in spite of everything that I am facing right now because God's Word says the following...

"A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance,
but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken."
Proverbs 15:13


"A happy heart is good medicine
and a cheerful mind works healing
but a broken spirit dries up the bones."
Proverbs 17:22

Therefore, I am trying to let peace rule and reign in my heart and in my mind as I receive the truth from the members of my team and as I try to press on in this journey to RECOVERY and this fight for my LIFE!

No comments:

Post a Comment