[Crying out to my Abba... My only HOPE!]
"God, I come to You this morning. I'm tired, worn out, and I am struggling to choose LIFE today. I ask that You would stir up a desire for LIFE and a tenacity and boldness to press on today in this journey. I don't see how to get started without a fresh deposit of passion and zeal to move forward. I admit that I am weak and that almost everything is fighting against me this morning... I am trying to let the fact that You love me be enough to get started and to face today, but I am struggling to let that be reason enough. What I feel like I need to get started is a reminder - something real and tangible - that shows me that truly I am worth fighting for. Break the lies and bring forth some TRUTH to get me started with today's journey!"
[My Abba speaking to me...]
"My daughter, I have formed you and fashioned you for a specific purpose. Your life matters. You matter to Me. I chose you before the foundations of the earth. I know you don't see your beauty yet, but as you continue seeking My face, you will see that the veil is lifted from your eyes, and you will see My beauty radiating in and through you. You can trust that I see your heart and your desire to bring Me glory. You have big dreams and big desires, and lately you have felt that they are stifled. As you choose life in Me on a consistent basis, you won't only see abundant life physically, but you will also see abundance internally. Fix your eyes on the truth that I want you - that I chose you - that I fashioned you - that your name is written on the palm of My hand. You are special. You are worth loving because you are My daughter - my work-of-art. The fight isn't over, but I want you to know that it is worth pressing on. Continue to call out to Me. I never get tired of coming to your rescue. Remember that your weakness doesn't surprise Me. I've created you to rely on Me. You become stronger as you realize your limitations in the physical because you then turn to Me and receive a strength that is incomparable to anything you could conjure up on your own. I delight in you. I love you - right where you are. We can face today together - ONE STEP AT A TIME ~ ONE MOMENT AT A TIME - as you keep your eyes fixed on Me."
[He then led me to Psalm 139:15-18]
"My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You."
I can receive what God spoke to my heart and what His Word says as TRUTH, but I still don't see with my own eyes what is spoken here in these verses. In the core of my being - in the depth of my spirit man - I know that it is all TRUTH... I guess that is a step in the right direction... I can choose to speak the TRUTH (whether I believe it or not at the moment) or I can meddle over and over the lies that fight for the space and territory of my mind. I know that it is vital to speak the TRUTH, so I can press on in this journey, and that with repetition, it will become more familiar to me, and one day it will resonate deeply with me, and I will believe it to be TRUE for me! I can believe it to be true for others right now, but there is something that blocks me from believing that it is true for me... It is another facet of the process and journey I guess...
I will press on today - in spite of how I feel and all that is raging against me. I will choose LIFE and choose to speak in boldness that MY LIFE MATTERS!
I almost chose not to read my devotional for today, but I am glad I did. It pairs perfectly with what God is already doing in my heart today. I needed to see this...
"I am involved in each moment of your life. I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey through this day, even though much of it may feel haphazard. Because the world is in a fallen condition, things always seem to be unraveling around the edges. Expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time, trust that My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection. Stay conscious of Me as you go through this day, remembering that I NEVER leave your side. Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trials and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured. As you trudge through the sludge of this fallen world, keep your mind in heavenly places with Me. Thus the Light of My Presence shines on you, giving you PEACE and JOY that circumstances can't touch."
[From JESUS CALLING]
According to Psalm 18:30, I can go through today in confidence, knowing that God is a shield about me. "As for God, His way is perfect! The Word of the Lord is tested and tried; He is a shield to all those who take refuge and put their trust in Him." I can walk boldly in confidence that the path God has laid before me to walk in HEALING and in RECOVERY is perfectly mapped out by Him. I can cling to what His Word says and what He speaks to my heart because His words have been tested and tried and have withstood the testing! He is faithful to fulfill His Word - His promises! He will be a shield to me and raise Himself up in my defense. He is fighting for my LIFE!
I can be assured that God is with me as I read the promise found in Isaiah 41:13. "For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, FEAR NOT; I WILL HELP YOU!" Not only does He have my back, but He also walks in stride with me throughout this day. He holds my hand to lead me through the trials, struggles, and victories of today. He is with me; therefore, I don't have to let fear come over me.
Because I don't walk alone in this journey - Because God has (for some reason) chosen that my life is worth fighting for - Because He is fighting with and for me, I will press on today. I won't be surprised by the trouble that presents itself today because I am not facing it alone. I will let God fight for me today. I will let Him fight for my life today since I am struggling to do so... I won't give up! I won't relent! I won't quit! I will take today in stride with God at my side.
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!
(Written later)
I am already way behind in regards to my schedule of intake for today. Oh, today has been a rough day already in many ways...
I had counseling today, which was good and also productive. I was able to share some things that were important to get out and that I needed to share and remove from the secret places... Also, my counselor helped me to process and king of form a game plan for some things that I will be facing this weekend...
I am exhausted today, but I will press on anyway...
Today has been one of those teary days. Not sure if the waterworks will continue at different points throughout today or not... I am trying to say in a positive mindset but struggling to do so today...
(Written later)
I am going to have to realize and be okay with the fact that since I got so far behind today, I am only going to be able to make it through four rounds (I am still working on the fourth round!), instead of the five that I should make it through today...
I am trying not to beat myself for it; I am trying to realize that it is better to complete four rounds of intake than none...
I will try to be grateful for the steps that I have been able to take and for the rounds that I have finished today, especially since I lacked all desire and strength to fight when I first woke up today. To God be the glory for the victories and triumphs of today. Though today has been very rough, I will not be disheartened... I will still offer up a sacrifice of praise as I finish up the fourth round for today...
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